The aura of religions draw me. For some reason, I am at my happiest visiting a historic cathedral, passing by a guilded shrine, or participating in a sacred tradition. You could call me a ritual junkie, I suppose.
Yet I’ve noticed a growing discomfort within myself when I am confronted with phrases, music, and religious patterns of my youth. Like an innate trigger, the warning bells sound and the discomfort grows. For example, just recently I gathered with friends and one of them said the age old line, “Let’s wait on the Spirit; let’s let him move.” Suddenly my throat tightened, my heart constricted, and I could feel the panic in my gut. And it’s not just passing comments made by friends. I find myself choking on Christian songs from my youth, and the idea of sitting through a “worship” session horrifies me. The very hint of “speaking in tongues” sends me running for the hills.
I don’t seem to understand why Christian rituals are triggering such emotional responses. The Christian tradition is my heritage, and I continue to identify with the Christian narrative as my own. I am involved in a local church, and my husband and I will raise our future kids with the same felt-board Bible characters of our youth. Even further, I can value almost any other religious ritual or tradition, but for triggers of evangelicalism, I really struggle to hide my discomfort.
I think I need space to heal.
It’s hard for me to hear a sermon, and trust I won’t be horrified.
-”But a condition like this will bring about the destruction of your nation. It’ll bring about terrorist bombs; it’ll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor.” Pat Robertson on ”gay days” at Disney World
-”Like it or not, males have a tendency to wander a little bit. What you want to do is make a home so wonderful that he doesn’t want to wander.” –Pat Robertson, giving advice on “The 700 Club” to a woman whose husband cheated on her
It’s a struggle to listen to Christian songs, and not remember manipulative spaces.
-”You are my desire/ No one else will do/ Cause nothing else could take your place/ To feel the warmth of your embrace.” Draw Me Close To You
-”Cause I want to know you more / I want to touch you / I want to see your face / I want to know you more.” In The Secret
It’s difficult to be around church people, and not wonder whether they think I’m “deceived by the devil” as so many friends and family have insisted.
I must apologize to my evangelical brothers and sisters whose worship and sermons I must avoid. I must apologize to my mainline friends whose services I find it hard to trust. As the saying goes, it’s not you, it’s me. For a time, at least, your services offer me no security, no safety, no haven.
But I’m fighting. Everything in me wants to run when I hear the words of Driscoll, Piper, Robertson, Dobson and others. Everything in me wants to hide when I’m told I’m not “submissive” enough to my husband, or that I’m going to hell for drinking a beer, or that my LGBT friends are destroying this country. But I’m clinging to my Christian heritage with everything I have.
Despite everything I know there is still beauty in the Christian tradition for me. Thus, I must apologize if for now I seem uncomfortable; if for now I don’t trust your intentions. I will still call the tradition home, as I search for a safe space to build my homestead. I just need to time to heal.